Essays from West of 98: It's Still Okay
WARNING: this essay might be a difficult read. It is an important read, though, for each of us.
(I published this essay just a few months ago in September 2020. As I started writing today’s intended essay, I felt a nagging urge to re-publish this essay. I don’t know why and I don’t know who needs to read this, but I know better than to fight that urge. Whoever you are, please take comfort in these words. As we set forth in the new year, please look out for one another.)
In the past, I have broached the top of mental health and suicide in this space. It is an important topic, but one that we try to avoid discussing, particularly in rural communities. My friend Shannon Ferrell is a professor at Oklahoma State University and a nationally renowned expert in farm and ranch estate/succession planning. He likes to say, “we in agriculture don’t like to talk about our feelings.” It creates all manner of problems in passing on the family farm or ranch and in dealing with our own mental health. Agriculture prides itself on the ideal of rugged individualism—we go it alone, we face our challenges alone, we defeat them alone. That attitude does not lend itself to sharing our feelings and struggles with one another.
I have a whole other essay in mind about why rugged individualism is something of a myth to begin with, but this concept is also deeply unhealthy for our mental wellness. Do you have a problem? “Deal with it.” Are you struggling mentally? “Suck it up.” Are you having difficult thoughts and feelings? “Get over it.” Sometimes, we *should* simply deal with it, suck it up, or get over it. But other times, our struggles are bigger and deeper than that.
What happens when those problems, struggles, thoughts, and feelings are too much for you to deal with? As Professor Ferrell says, we don’t like to talk about our feelings. But we need to. According to The Depression Project, 40% of men will not talk to anyone about their mental health struggles. Shockingly, 75% of all suicides are men. These statistics are not unrelated. Men tend to bottle up their feelings and never talk to anyone. Men have been told for too long that it is not okay to struggle. It’s not “manly.” “It is “weak.” Far too often, those feelings completely overwhelm them before their loved ones can help.
So what do we do? How do we help our friends and loved ones in need? September 10 was World Suicide Prevention Day. My friend Tobin Redwine lost his brother to suicide about three years ago. On September 10, Tobin shared his grief for his brother in a beautiful essay on Facebook. Tobin wrote this deeply important passage in that essay:
“Depression, mental illness, addiction, and self-doubt can trick us into missing out on the depth of love and importance in our lives. Those awful voices can be loud; friends, our voices must be louder. We must be unashamed and loud with our love for each other, with our support for each other, with our relentless loyalty to each other. We can’t just pay lip service to saying we love people, we need to live it. We need to show it. We need to act on it. Our voices must be loud. Our actions must be louder.”
Tobin said it better than I could. If our loved ones are struggling, we might not know it. They might be unafraid to share their struggle for fear as to how we will react. Will we respond with an attitude rooted in rugged individualism, or will we be supportive and encouraging? Tobin gives us a phenomenal blueprint for success. We must love, support, and encourage our loved ones. We must do it loudly, proudly, and constantly. When we do, we fight those voices that play tricks on the minds of our loved ones. But we also let our loved ones know that we are there for them and hopefully, in their moment of doubt and struggle, they know we are a safe outlet to share their feelings.
There’s an important saying in mental health that “it’s okay to not be okay.” Friends, it is an incredibly important saying. If you are struggling, remember, it’s okay to not be okay. If your loved ones are not okay, follow Tobin’s blueprint. We lose too many people every year to suicide. Too many of our friends and family members are struggling with mental health unbeknownst to us.
If you are struggling personally and don’t have an outlet for help, please call 800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org. Above all, please remember these words from Tobin Redwine: you are too important. You are too needed. You are too loved.
James Decker is the Mayor of Stamford, Texas and the creator of the “West of 98” website and forthcoming podcast. Contact James and subscribe to these essays at westof98.substack.com.