Essays From West of 98: Leading From the Front

A raw and real discussion of mental health, including my own

Trigger warning/author’s note: this essay discusses difficult topics like suicide.

This is not the essay I planned today. That other essay is a good one. I am excited to share it soon but it needs to wait. Today’s essay is longer than normal, but it is very important.

I am going to get real, raw, and candid with you about mental health and suicide. This is your warning that if you are not in a good mental place to read about those topics, today’s essay may not be for you, at least not right now. Two weeks ago, I wrote an essay called “Loved and Needed.” That essay ignited a flurry of conversations with others and a whole lot of self-reflection of my own part. This essay is the product of all that has transpired since that essay.

I wrote that prior essay on World Suicide Prevention Day. For that same day, a friend of mine used her own Facebook platform to share her story of a foiled suicide attempt that gave her a powerful new lease on life. I have since been made aware of others struggling with suicidal feelings right here in our community. I had conversations with friends who were dealing with anxiety and depression. When I write about suicide prevention and then immediately see the realness of the topic in Stamford, it is abundantly clear that I need to put mental health advocacy at the forefront of my life for the foreseeable future. When a topic keeps coming back to me in a very vivid manner, that is no coincidence. It is a sign.

Too many people are struggling in the world and in our own community. I owe it to myself and to each of you to obey this clear calling to speak candidly and encouragingly about mental health. This can become an abstract topic when we discuss mental health generally or in “society.” It is better to discuss mental health in the abstract than not discuss it, but abstract conversations can obscure the very real and very personal things happening with our family, our friends, our neighbors, and ourselves. That is what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about teenagers who are struggling with acceptance or relationships or peer pressure or expectations.

I want to talk about the parent engaged in a constant juggling act of robbing Peter to pay Paul to make sure their kids have what they need and they aren’t sure how they’ll get it done the next month.

I want to talk about the adult who takes one step forward to get ahead in life and then gets pushed backwards ten steps each time, so they begin to wonder why they keep trying and whether life is even worth it.

I want to talk about people who feel like they are under so much pressure, perhaps partially self-created, that it all seems like too much to overcome and they are not sure if they can handle it.

I want to talk about the people who do not feel understood by the world around them, for whatever reason that might be, and who do not feel at home or at peace in life.

These are not abstract ideas. These are challenges that real people face every day. You know people who are struggling like this. I dare say that many of you have felt one or more of those feelings, on some level, at some point in your life. People who face these challenges must cope somehow. Sometimes they find healthy and calming coping mechanisms. Sometimes they do not. Sometimes they repress, repress, and repress, until they can repress no more. Sometimes the coping can be destructive, like substance abuse. Sometimes, coping results in suicidal ideation (considering the hypothetical of suicide). Those ideations can turn into real fixations or something worse and more damaging and permanent.

Mental health struggles and suicide are topics that transcend race, class, gender, and every other classification of people. I know people who seemingly “had it all” from outside appearances but faced very deep suicidal ideations or took their own life. We cannot understand what is happening in others’ minds, unless they share. How we encounter others, how we interact with them, and how we treat them within our community can have lasting consequences on others for both negative and positive.

More of our people struggle with their mental health than any of us realize. I will stand up and step forward and tell you that sometimes I struggle with it myself. Sometimes, it manifests through a grumpy funk that lasts for a day or so. Sometimes, I feel crushed by the pressure of all the things I must accomplish in a certain time frame. It can be the result of my own procrastination. In that case, I have nobody to blame but myself, but that doesn’t make it any better in the moment when I feel crushed and struggling to push through the weight of it all. I can be paralyzed by having too much to do and in my paralysis, I struggle to get anything done. I feel almost catatonic. I spin my wheels and struggle to even type, so I look for other distractions and I usually find them. Sometimes the distractions help me get through it. Sometimes they just waste valuable time and leave me worse off, with the same amount of work to do and less time to do it.

There’s more. It is something I have only recently begun to consider. When I was a child, I developed a pattern of vomiting before school competitions, be it a middle school mathematics competition or a high school FFA contest. It became a running joke on our FFA trips, because it always seemed like I performed better with the pre-competition vomit. For years, I thought it was just a sour stomach that popped up with early mornings. But now, I wonder. The symptoms still arise on occasion in adulthood. It’s not always a vomit. Sometimes it is gagging or dry heaving. It can happen in the moments where I am deeply stressed or feeling great pressure. Looking back, I am beginning to believe that it was not a sour stomach in an early morning after all. Instead, it may well be a psychosomatic response (physical illness caused by internal distress) to my own mental stress.

I am doing some things to work on my own mental health. Some of you might know that I have owned a title company since 2015. I am in the process of selling it. I was approached earlier this year by some good people who were interested in purchasing it. I realized that something had to give in my life, because I simply could not satisfactorily meet all my personal, professional, and community obligations. I knew I had to make some choices if I wanted to survive physically and mentally. When that sale is complete, it will have a positive impact on my mental well-being. I will still practice law, but I can spend more time working on things that give me peace and bring me joy. I plan to write more. Our garden will expand, because I want to grow more food to sell or give to others. If that sounds like a “crunchy” hippie turn at age 40, well, your mileage may vary, but I know what will be healthy for me and good for our community.

Mental health advocacy requires leading from the front and being honest about your own mental health. As such, I am being deeply honest with you and sharing my story. I will continue to share my story. I want you to share your stories too. You need not share them with me (but you are welcome to do so), but I do want you to share them with your people who need to hear them. If you are not sure who needs to hear it, just start a general conversation about mental health with friends and family. You might be surprised to learn who else is struggling and who feels a sense of relief that you brought up the topic.

Mental health conversations are no good if they never move beyond pondering into real action. I have been thinking about that for the last two weeks. When I write about suicide prevention and then a person shares with me about a family member’s suicide attempt, it guts me to the core. It shows the urgency of the work. How do we engage with mental health struggles in our communities? How do our churches and community organizations discuss the topic and adequately counsel people who are struggling? How do our first responders handle situations when they are asked to intervene in a mental health crisis? Are we equipped and prepared as a community to respond in a healthy and helpful way?

As Mayor of Stamford, I am going to ask our community these very questions. I want to convene some meetings and listening sessions. I think our people need more training in mental health crisis response. I think EVERYBODY in America needs more training, but I can only control my own actions within our community. My essays are read by a decent number of folks across America, so I hope that it will inspire them to do the same in their communities.

Suicide is an epidemic in America. Suicide rates have increased by 36% in America since 2000. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 10 to 14 and 25 to 34. Let that statistic sink in before you read on. Suicide is in the top 9 causes of death for all people from ages 10 to 64. Suicide rates are even higher for veterans, rural populations, and people who work in dangerous jobs. Those are our people.

Our people are struggling every day. Too many of our people are dying by their own hand or having those thoughts. We cannot achieve our potential as a community until we reckon with the struggle of our family, friends, and neighbors. “Love your neighbor” is the second greatest commandment for a reason. We have got to love our neighbors. Their lives literally depend on it. Let us step up and step forward with our own struggles, link arms, and lead one another to a better place. It is the very point of life together within a community.

P.S. If you feel led to share your story or your coping mechanisms, please feel free to do so.

P.P.S. If you are struggling, please seek help. If you do not have a safe outlet for help, then call or text 988 or visit the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988lifeline.org. Trained counselors are available 24 hours per day to help.

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James Decker is the Mayor of Stamford, Texas and the creator of the West of 98 website and the “Rural Church and State” and “West of 98” podcasts. Contact James and subscribe to these essays at westof98.substack.com and subscribe to him wherever podcasts are found. Check out the West of 98 Bookstore with book lists for essential reads here.

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